In Memorium

Three years ago today a part of me died. Several parts of me, actually. Late on the afternoon of the Feb 8, 2007 I bounced my brain off of the bottom of the computer desk and my life hasn't been the same since. Head injuries are odd things - some things are immediately gone and come back gradually, some things go away gradually and return suddenly, and some things leave and just never come back.

The day after my head injury I felt okay - a little woozy, but not too bad. The next day I couldn't remember my birthday. A week later I had no idea how to make coffee, fix a bowl of cereal, or make a sandwich. It was absolutely terrifying. All of these things gradually returned, but some things are still missing. Today I mourn the loss of the person I was before. The woman who would jump in the car on a whim and run down to Austin to meet a friend for lunch or go to the scrapbook store. The woman who was fiercely independent, wicked smart, and eager to finish her second Master's Degree so she could teach English at the local college. The woman who worked so hard to overcome her shyness and lack of confidence was back at square one.

I've read over some of the blog posts from my first year and found these worthy of sharing again, just as a reminder of what it was like, what I've made it through, and some of the stuff that I still deal with.


Brain Bits (Sept 07)

Disconnected (Aug 07)  - A look into what it's like to have a seizure

One Week Shy of Six Months (July 07) - this one really bummed me out. I still have many of hte same problems I had then. I thought I'd come further than that. :(


Some of the things that I can do now that I couldn't do even a year ago....

- Sing along with a group, like in church. A year ago I couldn't do this - it was  just too much for my brain, I guess. Now I can, although I still have "bad brain days" where I'm unable to. That's okay. I can do it more often than not.

- I can drive further, but not by myself. I still don't trust that I can get back from wherever I've gone. I need to practice driving further from home more often, but Ed's always so busy on the weekends that it rarely happens.

- Successfully deal with having a third person in the house. This time last year I was having a horrible time adjusting to Bryan living with us and all that that entailed. These days things are much easier, Praise God!!!

- Manage money. I have really grown in this area. I still can't add a column of numbers in my head or do a quick sum of what I'm about to buy is going to cost, but at least I know when I can/can't or should/shouldn't spend money. Makes life much easier, and sure keeps that credit card balance down. :)

- I am much more aware of my physical limits. I can usually judge when I'm getting tired and need to go home or be alone. I can usually judge pretty accurately days that I should stay home instead of going to work or running errands. The more tired and/or stressed I am the less likely my brain is to cooperate with me.

And having physical and mental limits is just a part of who I am now. It's a part of each and every day and I am always aware of it.  I have to be aware of how things may affect me - will it be too loud, will there be kids there (little kid screech triggers seizures almost every time!), am I too tired to shop today, will I have enough energy left to make dinner tonight or to deal with whatever is on the calendar tomorrow? Quite honestly I hate this part of my life. I just want to be able to wake up each and every day and never again have to think about these things. I just want to be free to be me again, and I don't know if that freedom will ever be part of my life. I can only hope that it is.