But

So I had surgery Tuesday morning. I have really mixed feelings about it. Everything went really well and I'm looking forward to seeing some positive results from the procedures that were done.

But.

Yeah, there's always a "but" isn't there?

One of the procedures I had done was a tubal ligation. Yes, at almost 42 years old I don't want to get pregnant, but actually having the procedure done was just the final blow to destroy my dream of having another baby.  I wanted to have a child with Ed so badly, but God's plans are not our plans and sometimes that is a difficult pill to swallow. Ed and I joked for years that I'd have twins when I was 42, but the thought of that actually happening was terrifying!

But.

But I'll never feel another child growing inside me. No more hiccups. No more kicks. No more stretching.

Being pregnant with Kyle was such an amazing experience. Watching him move beneath my skin, being able to tell where he was and which direction he was facing, being able calm him down by rubbing his back (he always faced to the right and if I rubbed the left side of my stomach he would settle down and stop moving). And the look on Kyle's face when I first held him and spoke to him. He KNEW me. It was incredible. Amazing. Awesome. All those type of words and more.  It was truly miraculous. I don't know how any woman who has been pregnant cannot believe in God.

I praise God that I at least experienced pregnancy and childbirth once. And I know that God will get me through this period of doubt and sadness. And, in a way, I'm glad that the three "kids" that Ed and I have together all have four feet and fur. And I'm glad that my sweet baby girl is a cat that loves to snuggle with me and only me. But I so would have loved to have another baby.