Hope

I don't understand why some days my brain works better than others. Yesterday I almost felt like myself. I could speak clearly, with little hesitation. I could write legibly. I could walk without limping. Today my walking and speech is still pretty good, but my brain is just fuzzy. Maybe I'm just overtired. Maybe it's a "haze" left from my seizure last night. Maybe it's something completely neurological that I'll never understand. What I do know is that it's frustrating.

I'm a very intelligent woman. I learned to read when I was four. When I was 10 I was reading at the college level. I got an A in Calculus in college when everyone else struggled to make C's. I teach college and run my own business. I have a Master's Degree. I'm working on a second Masters. I don't like sounding and feeling like I'm mentally challenged - that's not who I am. I'm used to my brain working super fast, and now it's slow. The smallest things cause frustration - what day of the week is it? Do I make oatmeal with water or milk? How much sugar do I put in my coffee? Why can I type my thoughts with relative clarity but have trouble making sense when I speak or write?

Someone asked me yesterday if I really have that much trouble understanding something simple. Yes! I do! Please don't look at me like I'm "acting" or "pretending" to be this dense. Believe me, if I could be normal, I would be. I have no need or desire to pretend to be stupid. I desire to be myself - smart, confident, secure. I can only hope that in time I will return. I catch glimpses of the real me from time to time. I know I'm in here somewhere - I have to be in here somewhere. Some days all I have is hope.